The Dishonest Male Perspective

Perspectives Unite

2007-09-04T14:25:00.000-04:00

This posting marks the end of this fine blog (fine like small print, not like well-made wine).

The idea to merge two fairly streaky and inconsistent blogs, The Dishonest and the Honest Male perspectives, to create one lean mean writing machine was being tossed around for a few days and this past weekend, the two blogs got drunk... hooked up... and well let's just say a trip to Planned Parenthood is in the works.

I'll be making the switch over to collaborate with the Honest Male Perspective folks at the new location. The new site will be called - again - the Honest Male Perspective. We're hoping to stoke each other's creative fires and to roll out a prolific blog presence. What this means for you is that hopefully there will be a mouthful of male perspective waiting for you anytime you anytime you hop onto the internets and go for a surf.... depending on how often you surf.

So this isn't "goodbye," as much as it's a "smell ya later." Think of this as when the kids from Captain Planet got together with their crazy rings to create a superhero.... only less gay and none of us own a monkey. Bookmark the new site, add us to your blog reader, or just jot yourself a mental post-it note- but be wary that sticky crap on the back doesn't last very long.

I was really pretty honest the whole time. It was all a charade.

On a side note, I'm proud to be ending this blog on a posting that includes the words "mouthful of male". If I know a thing or two about SEO... and I do.. I have a feeling I would be attracting a different kind of crowd from here on out.

Drivin Me Wild

2007-08-28T17:04:00.001-04:00

Just bought Common's new album a few days ago on the 'tunes (I waste WAY too much money on itunes - partially because I always by the full ablum). Anyways, my buddy Takis showed me this video the other day. Sick video- even better song. I think my favorite line is "..drivin' herself crazy like that astronaut lady."

Just try and listen to this song without humming/singing/beatboxing it for the next 24 hours. It's even stickier than that 'Chocolate Rain' song.

Quotes and quotes and quotes and quotes

2007-08-23T17:47:00.001-04:00

Up until now I've always used IMDB for movie quotes. Today, I found something even better and I feel the need to share it - WikiQuote. Struggle to remember funny lines from your favorite movies NO MORE! Not only that, but WikiQuote has TV shows, books, people, proverbs and even video games! This might be the best website I've stumbled across since Barstool Sports. Jackpot.

FYI- I might start communicating solely through famous quotes and ICanHasCheezburger pictures. I apologize in advance.

Wily Mo Roosevelt

2007-08-22T12:09:00.000-04:00

"Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far"
-Theodore Roosevelt

This is one my favorite all-time quotes and I think it applies nicely to Wall of Man member, Wily Mo Pena. I haven't had a chance to comment on his departure from my beloved Sox yet - while I did a bit of speculation before the trade actually occurred. Mostly, I'm just happy for the guy. He always seemed... a bit simple, but more importantly he was reportedly one of the most gracious and polite members of team. He played hard, but still carried himself with an air of ease and coolness and that's why I picked this quote out for him. His departure was fairly sudden (while not unexpected) and could have easily been a bitter break-up. It wasn't. Check out this post he put in the Boston Herald:

"To my sisters, brothers and fans of the Red Sox Nation. I want to take a moment to thank you and the entire Red Sox organization for your support during my time in Boston. Your constant passion for baseball and your beloved Red Sox is unmatched and has touched me deeply. I will always consider you with a special place in my heart.
"The Red Sox organization deserves only the best and the Red Sox Nation is just that. Peace in life, Wily Modesto Pena."

I refuse to believe that he was the actual word-smith for that piece; I'm sure he had his agent or a PR person put it together for him. That doesn't matter though- it's the thought that counts. On a side note, I'm definitely going to start signing everything, "peace in life, Scott Modesto Barker." Well... maybe not the Modesto part.

Wily Mo sez: "Speak softly and carry a big glove."

These are some pretty damn gracious sentiments for a guy who was booed incessantly at Fenway for his lackluster play in the field. I'm glad to see he's already hit the ground running in the National League, hitting .375 with 2 HR's and 4 RBI's in 4 games.

I was always convinced that the Sox would provide a high pressure, high reward and high Latino atmosphere for him to succeed in. I was hoping David Ortiz could groom him into a Mini-Papi. You can't always get what you want I guess. So best of luck to ye, Wily.

Two pretty rad ideas

2007-07-30T14:44:00.001-04:00

So I tripped, fell and landed on a few really cool ideas today. They were actually both on a cool website called Design Verb which presents some pretty sick ideas and and images from the world of design. I don't check it every day, but usually when I do, I'm not disappointed.

The first is a little more scientific and has to do with applying unique chromatic schemes to shirts, graffiti, road signs etc. which only digital image capturing can pick up on. The end result is a surprise image or message in your digital photography and/ or videos. They even offer a cool solution to piracy using the technology.

The second is something a bit more rudimentary and is something that should appeal to the little kid and the BBQ enthusiast in us all.

Both are equally innovative and tenuously linked to the world of design, but worth a look-see.

PETA's Most Wanted

2007-07-30T11:27:00.000-04:00

Just caught this little doozy - I've been meaning to wax philosophical about Michael Dick... err umm Vick for a few weeks now. This gave me a good opportunity to spread my wings and flizzzyy.

Vick is a herpes sore on the mouth of humanity (insert Ron Mexico joke here). He went from being one of my favorite players to watch in the NFL and someone I consistantly supported as a guy who would destroy the running QB stereotype, to being one of my most hated organisms on the planet. Cruelty to animals is an intolerable offense. Cruelty to dogs is chickenshit and I hope he burns in hell.

I'm an avid dog lover. I think sometimes I might even like dogs more than people. I would break up with a girlfriend if she was cruel to a dog. Personally I think Vick should be forced to sell all of his fucking escalades and take 50% of what he earns from here on out (if he earns anything after he gets out of jail) and donate all of that to the American Kennel Club or something.

I know I'm not really bringing any fresh ideas or breaking news to the table here, but I had to get this off my chest. From this point forward, I will never trade for him in Madden Football again, I will not watch his nasty high school/college clips on YouTube and I will burn my pair of Nike Air Blacksburgs. The last thing I would want is some fool walking down the street, looking at my shoes and thinking that I support the abuse of dogs.

UPDATE: Deion Sanders is on crack. Again- not breaking news or anything.

Kanye West is not funny at all.

2007-07-27T16:18:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I lied. He's a fucking humorous bastard. He made a parody of his Hype Williams produced video for "Can't tell me nothing," and it would be goddamn uproarious even if it wasn't made BY Kanye. The fact that he had a hand in parodying his own video is pretty respectable. Enough blabbing- watch the video. Let me know when you're done...

...All set? See? I wasn't kidding. It's pretty much the funniest thing I've seen in a while. It's right up there with a video of a fat chick horribly botching a rope swing attempt. I was trying to figure out where I knew the guy in the video from (his name is Zach Galifiankis) and the best thing I could come up with was the Sarah Silverman show. Anyone else got any ideas?

In conclusion, I was howling when I watched this video. Maybe it has something to do with my affinity for parody-type music videos*, but I could probably watch it about 10 times in the next 24 hours and still be laughing. Thanks for Scrozie for the heads up on this.

*Popkin and I came up with the concept for a parody music video to the tune of "Had a Bad Day" and it involved Casey Fossum and his bevy of sub-par pitching outings. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that we were sitting there watching our arch-nemesis Yankees lay a drubbing on the D-Rays and had to take our mind off of this, but we found it pretty damn hilarious. If you want the details ask either one of us and we'll be happy to indulge.

I'll take a little from column A and a little from column B

2007-07-26T16:00:00.000-04:00

http://view.break.com/333832 - Watch more free videos

No comment really. Just watch it and either proceed to get offended or to laugh your neuticles off. Take your pick.

Your mom wears Crocs

2007-07-25T18:45:00.000-04:00

I thought footwear couldn't get any more abysmal than those swiss-cheesed rubber abominations called Crocs. My dad wears them. I will never stop making fun of him for this. I don't care if they're comfortable. They look like you're wearing a car from a Dr. Seuss book that got caught in a driveby shooting.

Well, my fine feety friends, things just got worse. While building a shoe model off of the anatomical design of a human foot MIGHT make sense functionally, A) it defeats the purpose of a shoe and B) looks downright retarded.

Scary as shit

2007-07-24T15:14:00.001-04:00

This coming from Vice Magazine- apparently there's a well-known drug in Colombia nicknamed Devil Breath. The scientific name is Scopolamine and in small doses, it's used to cure nausea and seasickness/ motion sickness. However, when used properly (or improperly) and in the correct dosages, it can literally destroy your free will. You act 100% normal, except that you do anything that is suggested to you, whether it's something trivial like, "Hey John, put on fourteen pairs of socks and go slap your sister in the calf muscle with a gummi worm," or something serious like, "Empty your ATM, give me all the money, go assassinate the President and then jump in front of the N Train."

Sounds like science fiction right? Sorry bra, it's science fact and it's fucking scary right?? Don't believe me? Watch this video. It's bad enough to try and imagine the hundreds of different ways someone could damage your life if they kidnapped you and used it on you- but take it a step further and imagine just what could happen if someone or some group of people figured out how to harness large quantities of it and affect large groups of people with it. They would basically have an army of otherwise seemingly normal, mindless zombies.... kinda like all those people that somehow make "Dancing with the Stars" one of the most popular shows on television.

Man vs. Pampering

2007-07-24T14:38:00.000-04:00

So it's all over the news today- Bear Grylls is a phoney. I'm glad I didn't prematurely induct him into the Wall of Man. I had always suspected that he planned out the episode prior to 'being dropped into the hellhole' that the particular episode was built around.

I sort of assumed he looked at a map of the terrain to plan his route, studied what plants and wildlife he could expect to find and maybe even schemed up the contraptions he could build ahead of time. I never suspected he was being put up in luxurious resorts with cable TV and wi-fi internet access! I mean... my parents didn't have those two amenities in their place of permanent residence until LAST WEEK. That's another story for another day, but if Grylls was spending his nights in hotels that are nicer than my apartment instead of camping with the rattlesnakes, I know a lot of loyal viewers will be pretty pissed. The Discovery Channel is standing pat behind their witty birtish host and claiming that some of the leaks are exaggerated, so let's see how this all plays out. For now, Mr. Grylls (I wonder if that's his real name- even that seems too cool to be real at this point) appears to be up to his neck in bullshit.

I'll still probably watch Man vs. Wild because it's wildly entertaining and some of the stuff he does is still pretty badass, but it definitely loses some status in my book. This will allow me to divert some of my attention and DVR space to a new show called Human Weapon. The show follows two guys who are travelling around the globe, learning intense fighting styles indiginous to the areas of travel. They undergo some intense training and eventually fight an established master in the fighting style. Neither of the hosts are very likeable. They're not that tough, cool, charismatic... or even that awesome at fighting. At least they don't fake the fights!

Way to be, Cuse!

2007-07-20T16:05:00.000-04:00

No one ever claimed that Syracuse, NY was an ideal vacation spot, or that it was a sprawling utopia where all the residents exist to serve their fellow man. Granted, the campus is really nice. Really nice. It's actually a draw for incoming students who happen to visit the campus on the days when there aren't 60mph winds or a layer of snow thick enough to smother an upright midget on the ground.

That being said, the surrounding city is pretty nasty. Poverty and crime are rampant. I've heard that quite a few schools experience this odd contrast with their surrounding cities.Given that major universities and colleges tend to bring in a lot of money, I'm not sure as to what the explanation for this scoio-economic phenomenon might be, but I bet there's some pretty good literature about it somewhere out there.

Syracuse is probably one of the worst examples of this dichotomy. At one point Syracuse had the highest murder rate per capita of any city in the US. Meanwhile, on campus, probably less than ten miles away from most of these murders, snotty sorority girls are using their daddies bank accounts to buy garbage bags of blow and drive around their Beemers like Haley Joel Osment in a '95 Saturn.

One might surmise that it would be pretty difficult for the city of Syracuse to go even further downhill than it already is. However, within the past week I've come across two things on the Interweb that just further drag Syracuse through the proverbial mud.

The first item was this E-Bay advertisement for a house. The house was initially selling at $5. It's a total shitbox and is actually set to be demolished by the city... but hey, what's a $5 house amongst pimps? I'd bet that Bam Margera buys it and devotes a whole episode to demolishing it.

Earlier today, I came across this on Barstool, which is rapidly becoming my favorite website:

"(07-19) 16:37 PDT Syracuse, N.Y. (AP) -

A 20-year-old Syracuse woman who left children in her care to go pose for nude photos is facing several charges of endangering the welfare of a child.

Police say Michelle Rendino was supposed to be watching four young girls yesterday when she left them alone and went into the woods near Syracuse's Inner Harbor to have a man take nude photos of her.

A man fishing saw the children crying and called police. When police arrived, the oldest girl — a six-year-old — told police that "Aunt Michelle" went into the woods to take "nasty pictures."

Rendino says she asked the man to take nude photos of her so she could get back at her ex-boyfriend."

My favorite part is the quote from the six-year-old. While it really would have probably been a lot worse to bring the kids with her to this "nasty photo shoot," I really don't understand what was going through her head when she just left the tots on their own. At least hire a hobo to take care of the kids for a few bucks an hour. There of plenty of panhandlers on Marshall Street. My favorite hobo, Eli, would probably even serenade them with his guitar until they fell gently asleep.

I think I can explain the Red Sox current losing skid

2007-07-20T16:01:00.001-04:00

I think there's been a tragic mix-up and somehow the Sox skipper got switched with world's shortest man, He Pingping of China.

All I can say is that there are going to be some very disappointed freak show customers who walk into the show expecting to see the world's shortest man and instead get presented with the 6 foot+ Tito Francona in a red mini-bow tie and cummerbun.

It's a sad day in Man-sville

2007-07-17T14:10:00.000-04:00

Well... I was reading a staple in Red Sox internet literature today, "Touching All The Bases" (which coincidentally was Alex's mom's nickname in high school- it's been a while since i've good naturedly ribbed A-Pop), and I read something that made me eternally sad. The worst part was that I had to begrudgingly nod my head in agreement. My main man Chad Finn has a great point:

"4. Wily Mo Pena is by all accounts a good-natured, hardworking kid, and there's no denying he has the raw physical talent to hit 35+ home runs in a major league season someday. But even to those of us who thought dealing Bronson Arroyo for him was a shrewd move must admit the truth right now: It would be better for him and the ball club if he moved on. He needs to play every day for a ball club like Kansas City or Pittsburgh (Xavier Nady for Wily Mo? Yes, please) where he can get the 500 at-bats he needs to hone his skills, particularly when it comes to pitch recognition. I like him, and I root for him to make it big, but it's just not going to happen for him here."

If you've been reading this blog for it's entire tenure, you'll know that I have a mancrush on Wily Mo and have even inducted him into my personal badass hall of fame, called the Wall of Man. On a side note, I may have to consider inducting Bear Grylls in there pretty soon. If you haven't been a longtime listener of this program, you can go back and read a few of my articles in the July archives (holy crap I've been blogging for exactly a year now).

I still love seeing Wily Mo step to the plate. I even made up a nickname for him this year, "WMP - Weapons of Mass Pena." However, I'd rather see him go somewhere else and thrive, than fester on our bench. So even if you leave, best of luck Mr. Pena. There will always be a spot for you on the Wall of Man.

Lemme see ya Grylls... ya ya ya Grylls

2007-07-13T16:52:00.001-04:00

I've gotten pretty hooked on that show Man Vs. Wild lately thanks in large part to my good buddy and fellow Bostonian, Stamell. About 65% of my DVR list is episodes of Man Vs. Wild.
For those Man vs. Wild newbies, the concept of the show is pretty simple: The Discovery Channel drops off the host, Bear Grylls - a former British Special forces dude, in the middle of a dangerous setting, like a desert or a mountain range. He's forced to traverse treacherous terrain (tongue twister) on foot, find and kill his own food, build shelters and basically survive until he finds civilization.

Simply put, Bear is a freakin savage. He uses Native American survival techniques, military tactics, nature knowledge and a heavy dose of common sense and balls to keep himself alive. He eats raw bugs and scorpions, kills snakes, munches on carrion, scales vertical cliffs, braves sandstorms and flash floods and even fights off sharks. All the while, he lends some pretty humorous commentary.

I don't know if I'd neccessarily ever be put in a situation where I'd have to use the techniques he displays on the show, or even if I'd remember them properly, but the show is goddamn entertaining.
My favorite 'sode is the one where he survives on a desert island - Gilligan's island-style. It's a real life "Castaway" except he lives like a king and there's no talking volleyballs. He makes bananna-steamed fish dinners and homemade sunscreen. Check it out if you have a chance. Also check out the highlight reel above, compliments of YouTube. FYI- my birthday's coming up and there's a box set available for purchase (said whilst guiltily whistling, looking about aimlessly and shuffling my feet)...

Wow... just wow.

2007-07-13T14:22:00.000-04:00

"Put 'em up, put 'em up! Which one of you first? I can fight you both together if you want. I can fight you with one paw tied behind my back. I can fight you standing on one foot. I can fight you with my eyes closed. Oh, pull an axe on me, eh? Sneaking up on me, eh? Why, I'll... Ruff!"

The Cambodian government basically SANCTIONED a fight between an African Lion and a league of 42 midget fighters.They allowed the fight to happen on the condition that they recieve half of the revenue from the fight! Can you even imagine if the American governement PROFITED off of the mutilation of 40+ tiny people? I'm not in the National Association for Midget Rights or anything, but is anyone else outraged by this?

All indignation aside, this is pretty fuckin hysterical...

UPDATE: Turns out this article was straight fugazi, son. Pretty impressive details in the article for a fake. Apologies for the innacuracy. Here at DMP I strive to be a news source of utmost integrity and truth. My bad.

drunk monkeys

2007-06-01T14:59:00.001-04:00

Drunk monkeys sounds like an awesome band name, right?

These little buggers remind me of a standard Friday or Saturday night for me and my pals, right down to the tipping over of tables, rolling around on park benches and licking booze off of benches.

The best part is the little guy at the end of the video staggering around like the ground is moving underneath his feet. That's usually how half of the bar walked after a standard Happy Hour at Chuck's back in school. I wonder if they get smashed and wake up next to a fatty the next morning, not quite remembering how they got there?

SPLOOOGE!

2007-05-31T17:38:00.000-04:00

Patriots fans- look at this picture and try not to cream your pants.

She got... JACKED UP!

2007-05-16T17:08:00.001-04:00

Watch as this little girl wanders into the lions den and gets accidentally DRILLED by a breakdance roundhouse. As Dane Cook would say, she goes flipping through the air like Eddie Gordo from Tekken when the player doesn't know how to do combos.

It's not usually kosher to laugh at toddler's getting kicked in the face, but this is just unreal. Her parents are clearly not competent people.

You know how I know you're gay?

2007-04-27T15:25:00.000-04:00

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

The most bizarre thing I've ever seen.

2007-04-18T11:38:00.001-04:00

Ok so Japanese TV is weird. There's no ifs ands or buts about it. All I know is that if i ever need a new gym buddy, it will most likely be a monkey... who wouldn't benefit from a workout partner that will slap the shit out of you if you're not working out hard enough???

2007-04-16T10:50:00.001-04:00

I recently got into a little tiff with Bob at work. Struggling to figure out a bipartisan way we could easily solve our differences, we did a search on YouTube for "how to solve a dispute". This is what we came up with. Now if you excuse me I'll be icing my balls for the next twenty minutes... Bob wore his steel wool mittens to work today :(

Throw your hands in the airrr if you's a true playerrr

2007-04-05T17:37:00.001-04:00

So True... If you spend ten minutes on Facebook, you'll stumbe across at least fifty pictures like this

That squirrel can waterski- how about that?

2007-03-09T16:20:00.001-05:00

A while back, I came across a YouTube clip of a bulldog skateboarding for a solid minute and a half. I chuckled heartily, passed it off as a fluke and thought nothign else of it. Fast forward to present, the 8th day of the third month of 2007. I'm reading my daily blog intake and I stumble across the little fella's website. As it turns out, he's an international movie and television star and has appeared on such shows as Rob & Big, TRL and even Martha Stewart. Pretty badass. Tyson is an inspiration to canines all over; not to mention Tyson is a pretty rad name for a dog. I await the day he learns how to pull off a kickflip... or a backside wallplant double Benihana Mctwist into a bluntslide. Rock on, Tyson.

I think there's something wrong with me- this is my third straight posting about dogs in a row. Maybe I should consider finally making the blog name change to Dishonest Pooch Perspective. I guess this is what happens when the Patriots and Red Sox are in the offseason and the Celtics are vying for the most ping pong balls instead of the most wins.

While we're on the topic, I'd much rather have Oden than Durant. Durant, Pierce and Green could never fit into the same lineup; meanwhile West/Rondo, Pierce, Green, Jefferson, Oden would be pretty damn serviceable.

Let's take a moment to recognize...

2007-02-09T14:46:00.001-05:00

Spuds McKenzie. Sticking with the dog-appreciation theme- this pup is cooler than the other side of the pillow. As soon as he pops his oversized dome out of the Spud-marine, I want nothing more than to kick back on a sandy beach and enjoy a nice cold beer with him and the Spudettes. Who's with me?

(Mainstream advertising's powerful stuff, eh?)

Hey Anthony, the jerk store called...

2007-01-31T18:22:00.000-05:00

Anthony Blow, step right up- you're the next contestant on Wheel of Dirtbags. The grand prize is a first-class meeting with my fist. For those of you that don't know, thanks to a little accident in college, my fist is about 5 cubic inches of steel-reinforced punishment. Seriously, I've never had such an unwavering desire to pummel anyone this badly before.

I'm a dog enthusiast... I like dags. Walking down the streets of New York every day, I fall in love about 25 times a day. Not with people, but with dogs. I have a soft-spot for the furry critters and I'm absolutely not shy about it. Maybe it's because I grew up in a family that always had a dog (or two)? Maybe I was pulled out of a ditch by a heroic dog in my pre-memory-forming hours of life and now unconsciously feel the need to repay the Canine species with unadulterated respect? Maybe I had a hex put on me by a mischievous fairy? I don't know. All I know is I've never met a dog I didn't like. Anthony Blow's behavior is just WAY beyond unacceptable to me. To make matter's worse, he showed no remorse whatsoever and stated that the little pooch was his property and he could do whatever he wanted with it- including throw it down a seven story chute.

It's times like these when I really pray for some poetic justice. I fantasize about this guy getting devoured by a pack of wild dogs. I yearn for him to get tossed down a seven story trash chute by a 7-foot dog. I would love for Lucky-boy to grow up to be a famous dog-actor slash rapper that makes millions of dollars and rubs it in Phillip's face.

Maybe Spider-Dog will swoop in and give his canine-abusing ass a taste of web...

Damn it feels good to have Peyton

2007-01-19T21:07:00.001-05:00

Damn it feels good to have three Superbowl rings is more like it. I'm really excited for the game this weekend - I think it will be a knock down, drag out battle. The Colts are weaker than usual this year, but you really can't discount the fact that they beat us the last two times we've played them. I was actually even approaching this game with a sense of respect for the Colts, who usually make me fifteen shades of angry. Then I saw THIS video- and one or two others just like it. Who knew folks in Indianapolis knew how to use a computer?? The arguments in this video are non-sensical and have nothing to do with football. Bruschi likes fat chicks? and he has a hairy chest??? Corey Dillon has rabbit balls? Say that to his face and watch how quickly he stiff arms you to an early grave. Of course this weenie Colts fan whips out the old fallback insult - Brady's gay. Not only was he recently dating Bridget Moynihan, who's not to shabby, but now he's canoodling with one of the hottest models in the world. If that's gay then someone sew me a pink nerckerchief, quick!

If anyone prefers men, it's the eleder Manning brother, who probably opts to study film and look at chalkboard drawings of X's and O's instead of knockin' boots. Yeah, I bet it does feel good to have Peyton.... inside of you. I'm all fired up anow and I really can't wait 'til Brady leads a last second winning drive against the Colts this Sunday. I hate the Colts.

It's my knee in a box!

2007-01-12T13:53:00.000-05:00

Given the recent development with Tony Allen and his torn ACL, medial meniscus and lateral meniscus, Brain Scalabrine's bruised meniscus and strained MCL (who cares? not me) and now THIS!

I figure that it's about agood a time as anyfor a medical lesson. Here's a full diagram of the ligaments in a knee:

(Quick note: Cruiciate Ligaments makes up the ACL, front side, and the PCL, back side. The Collateral Ligaments on the inner side of the knee is the medial, or the MCL, and the outer side Collateral Ligaments is the Lateral, or the LCL.)

Hope that's helpful- as someone with fairly healthy knees I know I had to do a little research before I understood the full scope of these injuries. In regards to Tony's injury, Doc Rivers - not a real doctor, he just plays one on TV - is optimistic about his recovery because he apparently suffered an identical injury during his own career. Real doctors aren't quite as optimistic.

Rodney's injury, while it's a slight tear and isn't nearly as serious, is equally disappointing. Everyone knows it takes the older folk a little while longer to heal and this development indicates that we'll certainly be without our beastly strong safety for the duration of our stay in the playoffs- including (fingers crossed) the Superbowl. The Pats are a very resilient team, and Roddy will still be a motivational stud on the sideline, but this definitely stings a little.

I hope you've found this little bit to be informative - and if you're a Boston fan, probably upsetting - we now return to your regularly scheduled thoughtless and sophomoric program.

Patriots E-mail Smackdown - courtesy of myself and the Popkin-iest of them all

2007-01-11T14:41:00.000-05:00

Earlier this week, Popnuts realized how badly he missed me. He missed my laugh, he missed my scent, my musk, he missed being near me and when it's all sorted out he wants to get an apartment with me. Most importantly, he missed talking about the Patriots with me. He came up with the brilliant idea to have an e-mail exchange conversation about the upcoming game against the Chargers and then jointly post it on both of our blogs. So here it is in all of it's glory - click the link below, sit back and get a ready as we bust a big email-y load all over ya grill.

http://whatisrobertokelly.blogspot.com/2007/01/honest-male-back-and-forth-scotty-b.html

Laziness has outdone itself

2006-12-07T12:32:00.000-05:00

Keeping in line with things I DON'T want for Christmas: A Nintendo Wii. There's a new article in the Wall Street Journal highlighting a burgeoning trend of people who are too fat and out of shape to play video games.

For those of you that don't know, the Nintendo Wii is a new video game system, where certain games require you to move the remote control in a manner that mimics the action of the characters on the screen. Simulated actions include, but are not limited to swinging a tennis racket, stabbing with a sword and bowling. Apparently people are experiencing fatigue, soreness and injuries as a result of these arm movements. It's times like these when I'm pretty ashamed to be an American. How did we become a nation of fat, lazy dingleberries who can't even PRETEND to swing a tennis racket without getting winded?

Honestly- who's getting injuries from playing video games and then reporting it to Nintendo? If I sprained my wrist playing video games, I'd lie about it and tell people I did it having a session with the wise master. That's WAY less embarassing.

All I want for Christmas is some mystery meat

2006-12-07T10:08:00.000-05:00

Someone recently asked me what I want for Christmas and I couldn't really think of anything off the top of my head. I poked around online and came up with the perfect gift. I really can't wait to charge down the stairs on Christmas morning tear open my gifts and find a lifetime supply of "Fear Factor Candy Challenge".

This product is a little bewildering to me for more than a few reasons. How many kids do you know that set their Tivo up to record Fear Factor every week? My guess is that if you check out the iPod video of your average candy-consuming elementary schooler, you're more likely to find some 'sodes of Yu-Gi-Oh or even Family Guy than you are Fear Factor. I'm sure the folks at NBC have performed a more in-depth market analysis than I have, but I just don't see sweet-toothed tots as being the target market for that show.

The second major issue is the lack of creativity and clarity in the flavor varieties. Spine Chilling Spiders? Been done.... Buzzard Buffet? I don't even know what that would entail... Mystery Meat? Little kids face worse in their daily school cafeteria offerings. That's like trying to market shrapnel soup to an Iraqi soldier. If they really wanted to get racy and exciting with the flavors they should've made some gummi goat penis, peppermint cow tongue or candy coated bat testicles. Of course, then we all know who'd be first in line to pick up a box or two...

Bonobo see, bonobo do

2006-11-17T11:08:00.000-05:00

"Panbanisha the bonobo is up to her tricks again"

This could get pretty annoying if you're one of the employees at the Great Ape Center, but to be honest, I wouldn't want to be the one to tell her to stop. I've seen Planet of the Apes... I know what's up. I imagine that a skirmish not dissimilar to this one would erupt.

Get your filthy hands off the fire alarm, you damn dirty ape!!

It's pretty jaw-dropping that bugger not only figured out the system, but remembered to do it a second time after getting the desired results the first time. I guess it's pretty basic psychology, but everything's always ten times more impressive when a monkey does it.

We'll see you in the playoffs 6'5" quarterback with laser... rocket arm

2006-11-07T18:12:00.000-05:00

I don't really have a lot of words about Sunday night's loss and the grumbly, piss-poor, horse manure mood it put me in. It really was a far cry from the perfomance we saw out of the recievers the previous week and unfortunately Tom Brady's going to take a lot of blame for those BS tipped pass interceptions. The worst thing is that I just really have to tip my cap to that huge foreheaded bastard because he picked apart a defense who scrapped and scrapped and put together one of the hardest working performances I've seen out of a Patriots defense in a long time (granted, I don't get to see a lot og the games living in New York). Just writing about it is putting me in a bad mood, so I'm gonna stop now. Instead, as usual I'll express myself with a picture:

I'm trying to get some rest from all the unborn chicken voices in my head

2006-11-02T12:19:00.000-05:00

So there's really no good excuse for taking almost a month off from writing here... especially considering I started this gansta sh*t due to other peoples' lack of passion and energy on their blog (speaking of lack of passion and energy, did anyone see the Celtics game last night? Ba dum CHING). However I do have a few semi-decent excuses that might add up to one good excuse. First off, my home laptop's broken. No time to work on longer blog posts at home means less time to get the ball rolling on interesting topics and as a result; I lost interest. Second, I've been pretty damn busy and haven't had a weekend to relax in what feels like a good two months. Third, my stripper girlfriend named Scenic just can't take her hands off me, which doesn't leave me with much tiome to think or write. I promise I'll get better about it - especially with the onset of the Celtics season, the Pats ramping up and making people remember what a dominant force they really are and Scenic fell victim to a tragic boa constrictor accident, so I dumped her- should free up some of my time.

When I said I've been pretty busy, I wasn't kidding. Whooping some brass statue ass is a dirty job, but someone's gotta do it.

P.S. - If you can tell me what song the title of this post came from, I'll give you 100 doll hairs.

Are you ready for some.... basketball???

2006-10-10T11:24:00.000-04:00

So even though: A.) I still haven't recovered from the start of the football season and have yet to spend a Sunday in the past 5 weeks anywhere OTHER than firmly planted in the ass grooves on my couch, B.) Baseball still isn't over and a few teams I actually kind of enjoy rooting for have a decent chance of winning it all (The A's and the Cardinals), and C.) I can't really justify how optimistic about I am about the Celtics upcoming season with any empirical data, and probably will only have the opportunity to watch a whopping 1/19th of the Celtics games on TV, something about this photo makes me sweaty with anticipation for basketball to start back up...

... Can I get a hallelujah from the congregation???

I know, I'm a hater.

2006-10-08T02:01:00.000-04:00

The Yankees just got knocked out of the playoffs. Now I do the dance of joy.

Throw ya choppaz up if ya feel me

2006-09-28T14:36:00.003-04:00

So im still freakin sick . Death row 187 4 life. ive spizzay mah last two weekends try'n ta crazy ass nigga but it didnt do me an ounce of good in tha hood. im cough'n so often im weed-smokin' trippin' mah own lungs out mah chizzay ya dig?. wizzay ta see a doctor n all she could tell me was "let tha flu run its course , betta check yo self. thats all you can dizno." you wiznent ta 8 years of medical school, n i paid a twenty dollar co-pay fee fo` that?? thanks fo` tha diagnosis, doc.

So most of that last paragraph is probably unintelligible to you unless your last name's "Dogg". Don't worry about it- it's just me complaining about still being sick and not being able to do a goddamn thing about it... most of you probably don't care about that. You are, however, probably asking yourself "How did mah B-U-Double-Dizzy Scott Playa git so goddamn gangsta?" Well I didn't, but I did stumble upon a little thing called Gizoogle that allows me to pretend I'm a playa-hatin pimp that shows up on mo' 24's than Kiefer Sutherland. It even let's you view your favorite websites in tricked out jive. Always good for a laugh or two - especially if you're checkin out how the Nasdaq and the Dow are doin on CNN Money pages in the morning.

You think this a game?? You think this a F*C%ING GAME???? arf arf

2006-09-23T11:34:00.000-04:00

So, there are a lot of things that are written on labels that just aren't really meant to be taken seriously- things like the FBI copyright warning at the beginning of DVDs, those tags on mattresses that threaten to toss you in the slammer if you remove them and those "Parental Advisory" warnings on CDs. Take it from your good pal Scotty B, the warning on cold & flu medicine packages that tell you not to drink alcohol with the medicine are not to be taken lightly. Don't do it. Not even a little bit.

Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to take a bazillion hour nap on my sheepskin rug.

I think I've got the black lung, pop.

2006-09-21T16:17:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I caught the scarlet fever, or some sh*t down in Florida. I've been sick as a dog this past week. There was roughly a three-day stretch when I didn't leave my apartment. You'd think I would have written a Boston Globe's worth of blog entries with all that time on my hands. However, if I had written, it probably would have just all been bitching about how much my head hurt and how many ribs I cracked from coughing all day. I spared you all the grief, but here's what kept me busy:

The Patriots. So it was a close game. Big whoop, wanna fight about it? We still kicked ass. Apparently there's some pretty bad blood between Belicheck and Mangini, which adds a whole new dimension to the game. It would have been nice to know before the game, but even knowing it now, it makes the win that much sweeter. Plus, Belicheck now has the team right where he wants them- a perfect record at 2-0 but with PLENTY of mistakes and weaknesses that he can chew the players out for and use to keep the team motivated. P.S.- My new favorite NFL running back is Cor-ence Dill-roney.

Lost. I watched season 1 on DVD based on reccomendations from a lot of people. I was very pleased. Then I started watching season 2, live as the episodes aired. I lost interest faster than a penguin at a BBQ. Here's the thing- the show moves way too slowly for a person with a short attention span. The pace, in addition to the commercials, killed it for me. However, the show is absolutely money on DVD. There are so many subplots and details in the script, that I could sit and watch ten episodes in a row... and I have. So I just bought season 2 on DVD and I'm hooked again. When season 3 starts I'm going to need to rely on Tivo to elminate the commercials so I don't lose interest again.

Madden. I'm a firm supporter of Madden Day becoming a national holiday. Every year, the day that Madden is released, all men should be exempt from work. While the game's not as cool this year as I remember it being in the past, the highlight stick is pretty dope.

Tom Verducci's A-Rod article. I owe countless belly laughs and hours of entertainment to this article. I love that his own teammates hate him. He's a manufactured, obnoxious, arrogant headcase. Giambi bashes him quite a bit- though he publicly denied that it was bashing. He called it "tough love". Jeter clearly doesn't like him. Teammates think he's afraid of the ball. Reggie Jackson thinks he's a vajoinga. A-Rod's explanation for all of this? People hate him because he's so good-looking, he makes all that money and he plays on the best team.... keep telling yourself that Alex. I can't wait for him to implode in the playoffs and try to blatantly cheat his way on base again like he did against the Sox in '04.

Ikea Furniture. Just took a trip last week to pick up some furniture for my new room. I made out like a bandit and got some good deals on some pretty cool furniture. Except putting all of it together was about as much fun as beer-bonging a can of gasoline. My favorite purchase? A pimptastic sheepskin rug for the middle of my room... no assembly required.

My new rug (Blossom sold separately)

Welcome to Miami....

2006-09-11T19:01:00.000-04:00

Well, not really Miami... Hollywood, Florida. I'm headin down there for work this week and I'm pretty stoked. I'm gonna come back with a killer sunburn. God, I hope it's like the Will Smith video...If you need anything urgent while I'm gone, please contact blogger extraodanaire, Robert Soffel. Otherwise, leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I'm back. I've got a mean posting in the works comparing teams of the AFC East to characters from Desperate Housewives.... psych!

There she was just a walkin down the street singin do wah diddy diddy dum diddy doo

2006-09-08T15:41:00.000-04:00

A few celebrity sightings this week... actually both were last Thursday at lunch between the hours of 1 and 2PM. The following are dramatizations and may not be real.

First, my colleagues and I take a seat at a local sushi restaurant, Nagomi. I turn to my right and notice a pretty quirky looking girl reading "If Chins Could Kill: Confessions of a B-Movie Actor" by Bruce Campbell and giggling to herself. I caught a glimpse of her face and did a double-take. I immediately knew she was famous, but didn't immediately recognize her. She wasn't stunning, but she had one of those faces that you just don't forget - even if she ages like 15 or 20 years. That's when it hit me, this girl was none other than Anna Chlumsky, former child-star actress of "My Girl" fame. She was also in a few other terrible movies, TV shows and surprisingly enough, she was in "Uncle Buck" too, a cult favorite.

I gotta say, Chlumsky was pretty cute. Not drop-dead gorgeous, but I'd do her... and by "do" I mean take her out for a nice meal of food, drop her off at her house and plant a gentlemanly kiss on her left cheek without trying anything funny. I did a little stalking at work when I got back and found that she's currently employed in New York as a restaurant reviewer for Zagat. Good to know.

As if meeting Veda Saltenfuss wasn't enough excitement for one day, I walked down the very same street on the way to the office and who do I spy with my little eye? Jim Halpert from award-winning and critically-acclaimed show, The Office. Well his real name is John Krasinski, but that didn't stop me from shouting "Jim!!! LOVE the show!!!" and I proceeded to give an emphatic fist-pump. I made a split second decision that if I was an actor in a hit TV show, that's how I'd want people to acknowledge my presence. Some people may think that I probably looked like a jack-ass, but not Jim. He appreciated my method and thanked me kindly. I feel like I have a special bond with Jim now.... not the actor, but the character. I'm definitely rooting for him to get with Pam on the show now. You go Jim!

Bombs over Jose Lima

2006-09-08T14:46:00.000-04:00

"Ooooh say can you see??"- Of course I can see them, how could you miss those things? Jose Lima is a lucky man.

DIE! A Rhea is loose!

2006-09-08T11:46:00.000-04:00

Sweet Jesus! I've never been so glad that I don't live in the UK as I was when I read this article. There's a six foot beast, called a Rhea, on the loose that "can run 20 mph, is incredibly strong and can kill with a single swipe of his six-inch claws or needle-shaped beak." Authorities are also quick to point out that the creature will not hesitate to gouge your eyes out.

Unfortunately this news breaks in the wake of Steve Irwin's death. I know his specialty was Crocodiles, but there's not a doubt in my mind that if he were still alive, Irwin would descend heroically from a helicopter, wrestle the deadly creature to the ground in ten seconds flat- laying the proverbial smack down, whisper sweet nothings into it's ear and then hop on it's back and ride it into the sunset.

Without the Croc Hunter, this behemoth is free to roam the countryside, terrorizing innocent Brits. It's like something out of a horror movie and my prayers are with the citizens of the United Kingdom.

P.S.- Who's the sick fu*k that dubbed this killing machine "Ralph"? That's like nicknaming the Black Plague, "Steve".

This particular Rhea, of the Caroline species, isn't super-strong, can't run 20 mph, but she probably IS capable of ripping your throat out with her six-inch talons or needle-shaped beak. So beware.

Dust in the wind....

2006-09-05T17:17:00.000-04:00

I returned this weekend from hiatus, as I spent a week vacationing in the tropical location of Ipswich, Massachusetts and I come bearing bad news. The often imitated, but never duplicated Crocodile Hunter has met his end - and that end was the barbed, poisonous tail of.... a stingray??? I don't have a degree in zoology, but aren't stingrays basically floppy dinner plates with eyeballs? I can't think of the last time I've ever heard of anyone even being injured by a stingray, let alone killed by one. One report I found states that there have only been 17 documented stingray related deaths in this HISTORY OF THE WORLD. That's a long time.... and that makes it a pretty improbable and rare way to die.

As if that weren't crazy enough, here's a guy who not only stared the Grim Reaper in the eyes, but he grabbed it by the tail, stuck his thumb up it's butt and then engaged it in a death roll (While not for the squeamish, that video of an alligator performing a death roll will certainly give you a big rusty tin of appreciation for Mr. Steve Irwin if you didn't already have it). He did this on a daily basis, toying with hundreds of the planet's most dangerous species. If Fox created an America's Most Wanted for animals, hosted of course by John Walsh, I'd be willing to bet my allowance that the Croc Hunter had come face to face with 90% of the species that would be on said show and lived to tell a tale or two about it. So after all that, what's the one animal that does what none of these other bad-ass animals could do and managed to push Steve Irwin off this mortal coil? Ladies and gentlemen, I present you the stingray.... and something tells me the guy in this picture's not a trained animal handler

When my good buddy Alex Popcorn texted me to alert me of the tragedy, I laughed out loud at first. Not because I dislike the man and relish in his expiration, but because he was invincible. My laughter was shock induced! He was the Croc Hunter! He's had hundreds of snakes around his neck. He's had his hand on countless Crocodile tongues. He's probably even flicked a lion or two in the balls. I'm sure he's had a few close calls, but he always came out on top! If he was going to die, it wasn't going to be at the hands of an earthly creature. He was either passing due to natural causes, or getting hit by a truck... or so I thought.

Well as of September 4th, 2006, you can take that magic number of 17 stingray-related deaths and make it an 18. I watched a brief montage on the life and times of Steve Irwin last night when I was running on the treadmill and I'm not ashamed to admit that I got a little choked up. Here's a man who had such a deep passion for his work, he would literally spit with excitement during his show. He was an environmentalist, a family man, an animal lover and a philanthropist... not to mention, I know Alex and I will always chuckle our asses off at the thought of the old Opie and Anthony skit about him getting attacked by a one-eyed croc with a missing bottom-jaw. I also know that the tears I cry for the Crocodile Hunter and his family are not, in fact, crocodile tears.

WIly Mo fans unite!

2006-08-25T13:47:00.000-04:00

Being that I've got a pretty major stiffy for Wily Mo, as a baseball player and a human being, I'll take every opportunity that I can to point out other people who are also pitching tents in their Dockers for the big guy. I gotta say, I'm pretty jealous that they have a Wily Mo t-shirt. To your right, you'll notice that the fantastic Wily pictures just keep on coming. It looks like he's even growing one of Papi's snazzy well-groomed chin-beards. I guess that makes it a cheard..... I hope that catches on.

How about I punch-a-size your face... for free!

2006-08-23T18:26:00.000-04:00

Apparently compassion just isn't in the Burger King's vocabulary. Talk about some bad PR for the monarch of meat patties. Charging a severely injured boy for ice to nurse his wounds!! Are you kidding me??? Hey, I don't know how things work in Burger World, but here in reality, ice is frozen water. Water is free. You can drink it from a public water fountain, sip it from a babbling brook... hell, you can tilt your head back and open your mouth during a rainstorm - though I wouldn't recommend it. Water is a building block of life... and it does a body good. What's next? Charge for air?? This kind of behavior leads me to believe that the Burger King is not a kind ruler. In fact, he's probably downright ruthless. The Burger King is NOT a man of the people.

I always thought those 'EFFING BK commercials were pretty creepy. The guy just doesn't rub me the right way. I mean, yeah, he's bringing the people in these commercials a taste-tastic breakfast sandwich, which in most cultures is a pretty friendly gesture. However I'm not totally convinced that he's not just trying fatten them up so he can murder them and eat them Hannibal Lector-style and then wear their faces on top of his.

I'm sorry for yelling...

2006-08-22T13:59:00.000-04:00

So I was a little upset yesterday.... a day in the life of a Red Sox fan. Don't get it twisted, I still have little to no hope left for this year's team. I just think I was a bit harsh yesterday.

Maybe I pulled a Thurgood Jenkins today, took a puff, and mellowed out, or maybe I just read this article that really does a good job of breaking the Red Sox season down. It doesn't make excuses, it doesn't say "wait 'til next year", it just does a great job of pointing out that while it's been a pretty miserable second-half, full of question marks and questionable decisions, there's really not a whole lot to bitch about other than players like Beckett and Coc-nasty just not living up to their potential. Y'know what? They're young dudes who are fortunately still south of their prime - it's just way too early to call them busts.

I'm pretty excited to see the direction this team goes in through the next couple of years. We have a lot of young talent that just couldn't cut it this year. The other major factor this season was that the Sox just have some holes that happen to be very difficult to plug without overspending. Pitching has been our main concern and there just doesn't seem to be a lot of pitching available right now. Pitching is at a rediculous premium these days.... but don't take my word for it, ask Chan Ho Park (yup that's right, he's making over $15M this year).

Also, the Yankees are just plain nasty this year. I'm going to take a page from Bill Simmons and just admit it. There, I said it. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be spending the next two hours trying to find out how many licks it takes to get to the tootsie roll center of an eletrical outlet.

I'm cleaning out my closet.

2006-08-21T16:44:00.000-04:00

Well, that's it. The Sox's ship has officially sailed. The Yankees own us this year. I was singing a different tune four days ago... I was full of hope. However, 5 games, 2 legitimate blowouts, 2 heartbreakers, 7 exploding heads, 1 really big catch Coco DIDN'T make, and one prescription to Wellbutrin XL later, I've thrown my hands in the air and sent up the white flag. I know relinquishing faith is something Red Sox fans should never fess up to doing after '04, but this year is different. This team has no heart, no fight and no spirit. Correction, they have ONE heart, ONE fight and ONE spirit and it's name is Big Papi. Honestly, there's only so much even THAT man-beast can do.

Big Papi aside, Papelbon aside, Manny aside and maybe even Schilling aside, I have nothing positive left to say about this team. No Red Sox team should allow themselves to be swept in 5 games by the Yankees, because let's face it- out of five games even the worst team should be able to squeeze one game out on will alone. David Wells gave it a good shot today to everyones surprise, but even with a solid outing from the fat man, we couldn't manage to win one. There's not a chance in Hades these bitches are going to pull out the AL East and at this point, the Wild Card is to the Red Sox, what The Talon is to Verne Troyer... just plain out of reach. You could make a case that three out of the best four teams in baseball are in the AL Central. Not a doubt in my mind that the Wild Card will reside in that division

How many days until the Patriots' opening game??? At this point I'm even looking forward to the Celtics season... at least they have the common courtesy to not get my hopes up.

{Editor's note: There will be no funny picture on this post, because there is no joy in Mudville... the gayass Red Sox have struck out. All I have is anger and depression.}

Armpittsnogle

2006-08-17T10:29:00.000-04:00

Apparently the author of that t-shirt didn't look up the verb 'to Pittsnogle' in the same dictionary that I did. He's a hillbilly, he sucks, and part of me cried when I saw this picture... NOT tears of joy. Let's just hope posing for this picture is the only thing he does in a Celtics uniform all year.

Is old 'Snogle gonna be the first player in the history of the NBA to play without a number? Or is this a good sign that he may not actually be on our roster at the start of the season? My fingers are crossed.

Excuse me, where are your venti condoms?

2006-08-16T16:56:00.000-04:00

So this has been brewing (pardon the pun) in my head for a week or so, and maybe it's the crack-laced coffee that's coursing through my veins doing the talking right now, but is it just me or is Starbucks' strict size lexicon a little ridiculous?

I've had a few funny conversations with my co-workers about it during daily treks across the street to Starbucks. While I don't support Starbucks' overpopulation and near-monopolization of the coffee market or their tendancy to charge roughly 5 bucks for a line of non-alcoholic beverages, I can't say enough about what a VENTI Starbucks iced coffee will do for your mood and your productivity. It honestly makes me feel like there's a Scott mascot following me around and a crowd of people chanting my name. Needless to say, I visit their establishment about twice a day and spend approximately half of my paycheck on coffee these days... I digress.

If you've ever been into a Starbucks and tried to order a standard size, i.e. a large, you know what I'm talking about. The cashier will shoot you a blank stare, pause for a second and then say... "You mean a venti?!?". They absolutely insist that you use their Starbucks-exclusive language and damn-near kick you out if you even think about calling that in-between-sized coffee a "medium". They flat out refuse to punch your order into the register until you utter the words tall (small), grande (medium), or venti (large).

So I got to thinking- what if we carried this vernacular into other everyday situations?

"Umm that sounds like a good plan, but there's just one tall problem."
"Wow, that girl has some incredibly venti sweater puppets!"
"After I lost 15 lbs. on the Subway diet, I dropped a shirt size and now I'm a grande."
"Sebastian Telfair's a very talented NBA player, but some scouts say he's just to tall for the NBA."
"I think you're making a venti mistake"
"Man this beach is great, we are LIVING VENTI!"

Complete and utter chaos! You may be the respective king of your industry Starbucks, but you can't just march into America and change the english language! F*ck you. Just give me your addictive coffee and enjoy a nice venti glass of shut the hell up.

Call him George Foreman cuz he's selling everybody grills

2006-08-15T14:28:00.000-04:00

I'm not a huge fan of the diva wide recieva' trend that's exploded the past couple of seasons. I have a heavy dstaste for T.O. (although he's got a pretty dope crib), hate Randy Moss with a passion, never really liked Joe "little big" Horn, and CAN'T STAND Fred-Ex. Even recent immature actions by Ashley Lelie and Jerry Porter have left a pretty bad taste in my mouth.

Where do wide reciever's get off acting like this? Running back is a much more exciting position, quarterbacks are a more important part to a successful passing game, and BOTH running backs and quarterbacks are usually more valuable in fantasy football. All of this nonsense makes me really respect '05 Patriots wide recievers like Deion Branch and David Givens, who appreciate their role in the offense, excelling when given the opportunity. On a side note, I really hope the Pats can work something out with Mr. Branch, if nothing else, for Brady's sake. It was tough to see Givens and his workman-like attitude leave the team and there's no question that Branch is even more valuable.

Yet somehow, through all my hate for these attention-hoovering wide recivers, one man shines out as a beacon of hope. Chad Johnson. Chad loves the attention. Chad loves running his mouth. Chad loves scoring touchdowns. Chad loves glamour and models and... and... and twiiiiiiins. But something's different about Chad. He always seems to back his motor-mouth up with big plays and solid numbers. His end zone celebrations are usually good-natured and entertaining. He doesn't seem to ever say anything negative about other players, especially his teammates (standard operating procedure of Moss and Owens). Lastly and most importantly, Johnson seems to understand something that NFL front offices don't: Fans watch the game to be entertained. He aims to entertain the fans with his end-zone celebrations, without detracting from the rest of the game, offending anyone, or upstaging what goes on while the game clock is ticking.

I have no idea what's going on here, but it looks AWESOME and there MAY be a trampoline involved.

I bring this all up because I recently read a really entertaining article by Len "the buffet" Pasquarelli, where Chad outlines his plan to continue his hilarious post-scoring antics, without breaking any of the official No Fun League celebration rules. Pretty inventive plan if you ask me- and you're reading my blog, so technically you DID ask me. Plus the article does a good job of illustrating just how effective and consistant he's been over the past few years- all without purposely taking plays off, demanding a trade, running over any police officers with his car and then paying the fine with "straight cash homie", or making Monday Night Football soft-core pornos with primetime television stars. Maybe I'm a fool and Chaddy boy really is cut from the same cloth as T.O. or baked in the same mold as Randy Moss. Or maybe I'm just hypnotized by his grill and his dance moves.

Let me close this posting with my favorite quote from the book of Chad, coming just before a game agains the Green Bay Packers ("Brother Harris" is in reference to their number one corner, Al Harris): "There are two things for Brother Harris this week; the bad thing is, he has to cover me; The good is he can save 15 percent by switching his insurance to Geico"... what's not to like about that????

Wilfredo Modesto Pena

2006-08-14T16:58:00.000-04:00

For those of you having trouble getting a grasp on my obsession with Wily Mo Painmeister, check out this article. Seth Mnookin seems to have a similar Wily Mo fetish... only he backs it up with actual stats and professional writing skills. Whereas I prefer to stick to opinions, slang and funny nicknames.... and pictures. Don't forget the pictures.

Everybody Loves Wily Mo

The weekend is officially here

2006-08-11T18:59:00.000-04:00

I just took a shot of hot sauc e at work.

Friday wrap-up

2006-08-11T16:40:00.000-04:00

Song of the week: Baker Street by Gerry Rafferty. I have a love/hate relationship with this song; it's melodies rang throughout the office all day today. I think it's actually taking over my life. I dare you to whistle a few bars of this tune and NOT have it stuck in your head for the rest of the day. Triple dog dare you, sucka. Also, the Foo Fighters do a pretty nifty cover that's worth checking out.

Sports story of the week: Gotta be Maurice Clarett. A hatchet, a loaded assault rifle, two handguns, half a bottle of grey goose, a bullet proof vest, and a cat hair roller?? Nuff said.

Things that have me excited: A renewed love for the first season of Chappelle Show. The Patriots season approaching fast- I can't say enough about Tom Brady, just a stand-up guy... He'd be on the Wall of Man, but ummm he's arguably kinda fruity. I just put in a vacation request for the last week in August/first couple days in September... I'll be spending my entire vacation in lovely Ipswich, Massachusetts!!! The weather in New York is supposed to be extremely nice this weekend... probably try to spend a little time in the park. The Ballad of Ricky Bobby- what can I say, I love Will Ferrell... if you wanna spend a night debating something, ask a roomful of people who's funnier, Ferrell or Farley. I just turned 23 last week and let me say it's an honor to be the same age as MJ's number... now the next birthday I have to look forward to is 45.

Things that have me slightly depressed: The Red Sox- I know I already blew up my own head earlier today, but I'm just so frustrated with this team right now and I'm starting to suspect that Varitek has more influence on the pitching staff than I thought... Papelbon has blown two consecutive saves in his absence!!! My fantasy baseball team- The Wily Mo Blumpkins just haven't been cutting it all season... I manage to convince myself that they'll turn on the juice and I'll jump into at least third place, but I'm cemented in eighth and I can't do nothin' about it. I've been sleeping on a couch for the past week and I'll continue to do so for the next week or so... it's a nice couch, but a couch nonetheless.

Quote of the week: "Bitch! All that crazy dancin's makin' my penis soft."

Buzzwords from the week: Venti's, remote control blinds, Long Island Iced Tea races, Eiffel Towers, 60GB IPod Videos, French Connection, lease signings, AmsterJam

Picture of the Week: If you haven't seen the Best of Chris Farley SNL DVD, go buy it right now, take it home, chew on it, it's delicious. I can't stop laughing when I look at this picture.

Sweet Lincoln's Mullet!!!!!!

2006-08-11T12:45:00.000-04:00

The Sox just got swept by the Royals, and all I can say is....

My name's Tyree, and yeah, I went to prison!

2006-08-09T14:28:00.000-04:00

What's really in a name?.... so I feel like this blog has accomplished it's initial goal. I've successfully motivated my good friends over at the Honest Male Perspective to revive their all-but cremated blog. In the past month we've witnessed a special Tuesday edition of a List of Awesomeness from Doug (a nice little listing of interesting things you can find on the zany world wide web), a really entertaining casting call for the members of the blog (which, if I tried to do for my little establishment, wouldn't be quite as fun seeing that this is more of a one-man band), an unprecedented back-to-back-to-back posting from Mr. Dudley and two really well thought out postings from Popkin - we're still waiting on something from Aladdin... uhh i mean Tad. Regardless, I think it's time to rename the blog- the last thing I want is this little masterpiece to be shrouded in unoriginality.So here's what I ask of you folks: before you leave the site, drop a suggestion for a new title in the comments page. Just leave the best thing you can think of, don't stress out about it too much. For you comment virgins, click the comments button at the bottom of this post and then click the "Post a comment" button at the bottom of that page. Maybe we'll even have a vote when it's all said and done; after all this is a blogocracy, not a blogtatorship. Also, I have that nifty visitor counter at the bottom of the page, so I'll know if you minge ninja's are reading without contributing a name idea.

For the love of somewhat misleading headlines!!

2006-08-09T09:29:00.000-04:00

So I just rolled into work - post-coffee, but still pre-eyebooger wiping session. ESPN.com came up on my screen from the previous evening and I hit refresh on my browser. Kind of a boring frontpage section, so I meandered over to the headlines down the side of the page. After reading an article about Maurice Clarett's crack and vodka-fueled superhuman tolerance for mace and stunguns, I ran across a headline that looked like it said "Bruschi out rest of season". Not knowing any "Bruschi's" other than the heart and soul of the New England Patriots defense. I had a little heart attack. Pretty standard Wednesday morning.

Turns out, the headline actually said PRE-season, but GODDAMN ESPN!! Your wreckless abandon with headline creation nearly cost me my life. Why is this newsworthy?? No one cares about players missing the pre-season!! Do something about this, Popkin.

P.S. Wily Mo hit a homerun last night. Boo ya.

Hey Phil, the jerk store called...

2006-08-07T17:24:00.000-04:00

It looks like Phil Mushnick's from New Braunfels, TX, cuz this little article REEKS of lameness. Seriously Phil, why don't you write your next article about outlawing hot dogs at ballgames because a few poor schlubs have choked to death on hot dogs over the years. Or better yet, maybe they should start using tennis balls and duct-taped wiffle bats to avoid injuries caused by homeruns hit into the stands and broken bats that fly over the dugout into the box seats. Phil gives his readers an open invitation to call him a party pooper at the start of the article- I'll gladly take him up on the offer. Once he's done hating on t-shirt guns, he moves on the bash Mike & Mike because of their affinity for testicle jokes. Everyone knows testicle jokes are funny. Yeesh, and I thought Dan Shaughnessy was an ass.

Awww hamburgers...

2006-08-03T15:07:00.000-04:00

So, this article doesn't give the full story, but as a result of absurd heat, I may be without power in the city tonight. Without power, there's no such thing as A/C. It might as well be a mythological creature. Lack of A/C is a sure fire way to make me angry... and I don't think you'll like me when I'm angry.

Man-breasts and Monkey-balls

2006-08-02T14:14:00.000-04:00

Another case of lawmakers and journalists just having too much damn time on their hands.

http://www.jsonline.com/story/index.aspx?id=479266

I'm not saying I'm pro-man breasts, but come on... just because something's ugly or unpleasant to look at, doesn't mean you can go around creating laws mandating that it be covered up. If that was the case, Sam Cassell would never see the light of day.

Homosexuality is a stinky cologne

2006-08-01T18:23:00.000-04:00

Derek Jeter released his new perfume... uhhh i mean cologne. As you'll see in that article, it reportedly smells like chilled grapefruit, clean oak moss and spice. If you ask me, "clean oak moss and spice" sounds like marketing-speak for gay and more gay. As for chilled grapefruit, I hear that's Jeet Jeet's nickname for A-Rod's fanny.

"You smell pretty."

You're with me, clutch hitting

2006-08-01T11:14:00.000-04:00

"All other hitters are down here- David Ortiz is up here"

Okay, so those of you who aren't tittering like a field mouse at the title of this blog, let me refer you to this little Deadspin story about the sultan of catch phrases and nicknames. I've been meaning to bring this story to your attention for some time now, because it elevates Berman to Wall of Man status. For the full story- it even has a Wikipedia entry. Now all of you should understand when you see me wearing my "You're with me, leather" t-shirt.

The point of my story today, however, does not have to do with Chris Berman. It has to do with the master of disaster... and by disaster, I mean clutch hitting - Big motha-effin' Papi. After his performance last night, securing another Red Sox victory with a walk-off, three-run, frozen-rope over the centerfield wall, I'm officially converting to the church of Papi. All followers must own a Papi jersey (those of you who don't have a birthday gift for me yet, I'm a Large, which translates to a Small if you want it to be in the form of a belly-shirt), chant MVP every time he steps up to the plate (even if you're watching the game in a bar or at home), and kneel down and bow 34 times in the general direction of Santo Domingo, every morning when you wake up.

After last night, D-Ort now owns the all-time record for most HR's by a Red Sox hitter in any one single month AND he currently has three walk-off park-jobs, this season alone! He also has five walk-off hits in less than two months and a grand total of FIFTEEN (you can refresh your memory with a sweet Boston Globe slideshow right here.) in three seasons. He continually comes up big when all other Sox hitters fail to do the job. When he steps up to the dish in late inning hero situations, you think to yourself, "I want to believe he can do this again, but no human being could possibly be that clutch." Then with one swing of the hickory, he proves you wrong. While Coco Crisp is struggling a little bit to live up to his billing, he's having no problem creating interesting sound bites; I think he put it best when he said "You know how they say that it ain't over till the fat lady sings? Here, it ain't over till the big man swings." For all you fellow Sox fans, a little disheartened by the fact that the Yankees just stole one of the most talented players in the league from the Phillies for a few peon prospects, the Soxaholix do a good job of putting things in perspective when they point out "David Ortiz has fahts with more powah than Bobby Abreu."

A quick Wily Mo "chronic back" Pena, update. Trot could be out for three weeks and WMP did a good job in his first night as a replacement, coming a double short of the cycle and driving in 3 runs. That deserves a Wall of Man high-five.

Mo Pena, mo problems

2006-07-31T14:31:00.000-04:00

Just an update on Mount Pena- because I know you all love him as much as I do. Acquired this off-season as supposedly a cornerstone of the Red Sox of the future, we weren't expecting to see a whole lot of Wily Mo this season, but we were to rest assured that he would be given some developmental time to turn him into the offense beast that he is destined to be. He wasn't guaranteed a lot of playing time, but given that Rockin' Bronson, the man he was traded for, has the NL on LOCKDOWN, it was safe to assume that the Sox would hold on to Pena to make sure he reached beast-status and legitimized the trade. Just when you thought it was safe to be a Wily Mo, some trade rumors start popping up. One shady unidentified front office figure even went so far as to say that he would be very suprised if Pena weas still on the team at the end of the trading deadline. This blasphemous statement almost brought me to tears.

Amidst the swirling rumors of Pena's impending departure from the Red Sox as a result of the approaching trade deadline and the Sox desperate need for starting pitching, a blessing in disguise occured and Trot Nixon over-extended his right arm in last night's game against the Angels, looking silly on a John Lackey off-speed offering. While I'm a big fan of Trot, as one of the original Dirt Dogs, He's just not having the impact on games that you need from a corner outfielder. The power numbers just aren't there.

One thing we can be sure Wily Mo will provide, is impact. So while I hate to be happy about an injury to one of the Sox starting nine, I'm pretty confidant that if Nixon is forced to the DL and the big guy gets some mo' playing time, he WILL knock the Green Monster over with a line drive one of these days. Seriously... don't stand behind it when he's at bat, it's not safe.

{Update: Trot Nixon has since been placed on the DL. So, start stringing up the caution tape on Lansdowne Street.}

The Celtics just got Pittsnogle'd

2006-07-27T18:13:00.000-04:00

What kind of blogger or Celtics fan would I be if I didn't write about the C's recent acquisition of Mr. Kevin Pittsnogle. Basically, after dropping Raef Lafrentz and his Subway Jared pre-diet-sized contract, Ainge felt the need to replace his old, overpriced, tall, ugly, slow, white guy who can't play inside, is above-average at shooting 3's and has bad knees with a young inexpensive, tall, ugly, slow, white guy who can't play inside, is above-average at shooting 3's and has bad knees. While I can't support the need for the rest of the above criteria on ANY basketball team, I guess you can't argue with the "inexpensive".

Pittsnogle, or Snogle as I affectionately like to call him, made his living tearing apart Syracuse in my tenure as an Orangeman. To this point, it became standard to use Snogle's last name, not only as a noun, but also as a verb, adjective and pronoun - making him the ultimate Mad Libs answer. Use it at your own discretion. It can take on virtually any meaning, just as long as that meaning doesn't have positive connotations. So the next time you're walking with someone and they step in something brown and fudgey, feel free to exclaim "PITTSNOGLE'D!!!!" You'll take note immediately of how applicable it is- just give it a shot.

The unfortunate young lady in this picture's about to get Pittsnogle'd, literally.

If you're wondering why I have such a strong distaste for our new benchwarmer, look no further than this fine piece of blogging by my co-worker. He's a disgrace to the Celtics and white basketball players everywhere. He's Jason Williams, only goofy and lacking street cred... and skills. He served carney food at his wedding! He's got the ugliest conglomeration of tattoos, only to be matched by his ugly game (He's even got one doozy of an ink blotch on his calf, portraying his own ugly mug). Show me a Kevin Pittsnogle fan and I'll show you a person with less than ten teeth. Anyone that doubts me, just take a look at the official website of Mr. Snogle. Try not to laugh. I dare you.

Papelblog

2006-07-25T14:18:00.000-04:00

Hey, let's pop some Viagra and close out Major League Baseball games with raging mega-huge Papelboners! Jonathan Papelbon is by far the biggest addition to the Red Sox since we stole the league's most valuable Papi from the Minnesota Twinkies. As someone who I've recently regained a good deal of respect for- Stu Scott would say, kid's been straight nasty. Even though Papelbon went into the game last night in a non-save situation, making him temporarily unable to get his league leading 30th save, the moment he stepped up on the hill I was finally able to go to bed and stop clicking the refresh button on the ESPN.com box score to see if the sordid-of-late Red Sox had blown the 7-3 lead we had accumulated against the Oakland Athletics.

It speaks AC/DC-level volumes about the state of rookie pitching in the AL that our young Texan fireballer could possibly end up FOURTH in the AL rookie of the year balloting... behind three other pitchers! The other thing that Papelbon makes me indirectly excited for is the emergence of his teammate, Jon Lester, who beat out Papelhero AND these other three guys for Minor League pitcher of the year last year.

But let's not lose focus here- my main point is that while Jonny-boy may not be a shoe-in for the league's top rook this year in the MLB, he is a standalone leading vote-getter for my blog's Wall Of Man Rookie of the Year. I know that's more important anyways... just look at how excited he is.

It's like 10,000 spoons

2006-07-25T13:10:00.000-04:00

So I'm heading to work this morning, enjoying a massive iced coffee and walking down 42nd street - probably one of the busiest and most obnoxious streets in the country - when off in the distance I hear the faint thud of a ghetto blaster. Times Square's a pretty noisy area, especially during rush hour traffic. So, just close your eyes for a minute if you will and try to imagine just how loud this music must have been to drown out the rest of the urban cacauphony. Every step I walked and sip I took, the music got closer and closer. I could tell it was pretty high-quality sound system because there wasn't a hint of rattling trunks or overzealous treble.

Eventually, I sauntered up next to this Papaya Dog and I could feel the bass breathing hot air down the back of my neck like a silverback gorrilla. I knew the guilty vehicle was precisely to my left so I turned my lazy head, neck still stiff from my restless slumber, and for a second or two my gaze chilled out on a guy who looked remarkably similar to Baby (at left) from Big Tymers and Cash Money Records. He was iced out and had at least 15 tattoos that I could count in the hot second that I was looking in his direction. Baby-faced-killa was riding in a Corvette that looked like Xzibit and the boys over at West Coast Customs had their way with it. I seriously wouldn't have been shocked if he pressed a button in the dash and a full basketball court popped out of the trunk.

Anyways, wood-grain and candy paint aside, I still couldn't make out exactly what song was playing on the stereo because there was a jackhammer directly behind me. All I knew was that it was shaking my chest cavity. I'm not a gambling man, but if I was, given the information I had in front of me, I would probably put money on Young Joc, or Chamillionaire... maybe even some smooth jazz stylings of Coltraine, given that it was still pretty early in the morning. Let's just say that I wasn't exactly on the edge of my seat waiting to hear what was playing on the stereo, but as the walk signal turned on and I slowly shufffled away from the jackhammer and the music playing slowly became clearer and clearer. I was shocked at what came next.

The guy was blasting "Ironic" by Alanis Morissette, at 50,000 decibels!!!! And he was bobbing his head to the beat! I didn't even know Alanis Morissette songs even had a beat... or any bass in them whatsover for that matter. I literally laughed out loud. I laughed so hard I almost dropped my precious iced coffee. This was literally THE most ironic thing that has ever happened to me. It was like the irony nexus of the universe and the most ironic song in the history of the world was playing in the background to add insult to injury! For a second, I thought it might be a rap-remix and so I waited for a DJ Clue beat to come on, or for Method Man or Eminem to rap a verse or two in the middle of the song... it didn't happen. I pictured Alanis Morisette decked out in diamonds, rockin' a Kobe jersey and some Purple and Gold Air Force Ones and I laughed even harder.

After I finished doing the truffle shuffle at the thought of Alanis in gangsta' garb, I stopped to think about the power of pre-concieved notions. This guy had every right to rock out to some 90's woman-power ballads, whether it's in the privacy of his own home, or in the middle of one of the busiest places on the planet. Whether he's dressed like Dennis Rodman, or R. Lee Ermey should I really be expecting him to listen to one specific genre of music based on his attire and vehicle!? I guess the moral of my drawn-out tale is simple: be wary of stereotypes, or else reality will catch you off-guard and you'll come dangerously close to dropping your iced coffee.

Welcome to No-funsville, USA. Population: not me

2006-07-24T16:23:00.000-04:00

I've never been to New Braunfels, TX. It may not be such a bad place. However, after recently learning that the lawmakers in this small Texas town have nothing better to do than ban beer bongs and Jell-o shots, I'm putting it on my list of "places I'd prefer not to go to". Before you ask, yes I really do have such a list. It's in my diary right next to my list of "foods I kinda like, but would never really order at a restaurant".

The fearsome silverback gorillas have claimed their first victim

2006-07-21T13:41:00.000-04:00

Gorrillas live in our bathroom at work.... and we've got a man down. I'm currently calling a search party and alerting Laura Linney, Dylan Walsh and Ernie Hudson. "Mr Hamolka, STOP EATING MY SESAME CAKE!"

Cool as the other side of the pillow

2006-07-20T13:44:00.000-04:00

http://www.wikihow.com/Sleep-Comfortably-on-a-Hot-Night

Being that it's been sweltering the past few days, and given that I'm extremely intolerant of the heat (that's me directly below), this really caught my eye. Thought you all might enjoy these tips as well, to help you revel and bask in a cooling sensation, using methods other than those employed by Rob "Mess" Murphy.
The only thing I don't agree with is the part about putting on some cold, wet socks. That sounds terrible! Having wet socks is possibly one of the worst feelings in the world. Why don't they just tell you to throw on some cold wet boxer-briefs and then then safety pin them to your bulge?

Bring the Pena

2006-07-19T16:51:00.000-04:00

Also in the news today, one of those guys that became an automatic favorite of mine AS SOON as he was traded to the Sox, Wily Mo Pena, is back on the roster. Even though the man he was traded for, Bronson Arroyo, has thus far had an All-Star caliber season and even though Pena's missed about as many games as Arroyo has K's, I still highly support the trade for this guy. Feel free to call me an apologist- my manager and fellow Red Sox fan, Michael Shafrir does pretty much on a daily basis.

From my point of view, there's very little to dislike about this kid. He's a muscle-bound mountain of a man who can obliterate baseballs, hitting Bo Jackson-like moonshots and he's only 24!! He's got the same gentle giant persona as the greatest clutch hitter in Red Sox history, he was a standout member of the original Wall of Man, and to top it all off his name's "Wily Mo". Pronounced: Willie Mo PAIN-ya.

Lastly, I just think there's something to be said for a potential lineup that's got Ortiz, Manny and Pena batting three-four-five. All three of those guys can take you deep faster than Charlie Murphy and Ashy Larry can ruin the Chappelle Show. If you think Ortiz's numbers are gaudy with Manny protecting him from the cleanup spot, just imagine everytime a pitcher stares in to face Big Papi and he sees this guy sittin' on double-deck. Let's just hope Big Wily Style drops the all-lumber diet and starts feasting on American League pitching instead.

Danny Ainge couldn't be happier...

2006-07-18T11:36:00.000-04:00

So Paul Pierce just signed a three-year extension yesterday that has him locked in with my beloved Celts until at least the 2010-11 season. I'm absolutely thrilled, being that Pierce is about about 2 game-winning shots away from earning a spot on my Wall of Man (see below). The rumor mill has the big green machine dealing away some of our young talent for some added star power like AI, KG, or any other player who's recognizeable by two initials (word on the street is Gerald Green for TI, straight up... would anyone even notice?).

While the thought of Iverson and his world record for "most contusions ever" playing alongside Paulie kinda makes me wanna cry and then build a house out of bricks and tears, the moves we've made this off-season coupled with the abundance of promising young guys on the squad leaves me feeling like the team's headed in the right direction. One of the proudest franchises in all of sports is makin' some moves. So here's a pre-emptive kudos to Danny Ainge; although looking at his face in this picture, am I the only one wondering where Pierce's left thumb is?

You stay classy Bo Jackson...

2006-07-17T14:39:00.000-04:00

So as someone who was never allowed to have Nintendo growing up, I never got to play with Bo Jackson in the famed 1987 video game "Tecmo Bowl". However, as one of Bo's biggest fans I've heard legends of his dominance. So this morning when I go to check out "Kissing Suzy Kolber," a very funny football blog, I was simply delighted to see that they had unearthed footage of a typical god-like Bo Jackson run. While this reminds me a lot of the video game recreation of the '86 World Series that was buzzing around the internet a few months ago, in that I don't really wanna know how long it took this guy to make the video, it still brings me great joy because it further cements Bo's status as a god among men.

This video clip prompted me to take some time to remind you all, or inform those of you who never initially knew, just what a superhuman Bo Jackson was. As a matter of fact, I have a theory that just as Achilles was only weak in his heels because that's where his mother, Thetis, was holding him when he was dipped into the river Styx as a baby, Bo was weak in the hip because that's where Mrs. Jackson was holding him when she dipped him in the very same river on November 30, 1962. Despite possessing the talent and athleticism to earn a spot in the single-digit crowd of individuals who have played two sports professionally, this mortal flaw eventually led to the earth-shattering hip injury that ended his career(s) and deprived us all of years and years of god-like feats.

To give those of you who don't know Bo like I know Bo, an idea of how monstrous he is- the guy was given the moniker "Bo" because he reminded people of a wild boar... as a 6 year old boy. He taught himself how to pole vault and throw a discus in one day. He famously threw out Harold Reynolds (of Baseball Tonight fame) on an absolute "Laser" to the catcher, flat footed from the warning track. He shattered bats over his knee and then cleaned his teeth with the splinters, made bare-handed one-hand catches, ran on walls like Spider-man and flattened would be tacklers with stiff-arms that would make Jerome Bettis weep.

At Syracuse, a few of my friends had a little something called the Wall of Man. It sat next to the beer pong table and it's purpose was to honor those whose blood was pure testosterone, men who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. I'd like to continue that little tradition here and even though he's no mere mortal, I'm going to induct Bo Jackson as the first member of the Dishonest Male Perspective Proverbial Wall of Man.

Bo knows geeky video-gamers who spend time creating internet clips that perpetuate the legends of famous athletes.

Jersify my thug

2006-07-16T23:35:00.000-04:00

So, even though the Red Sox are dropping games left and right, I'm having trouble looking at the Coco Crisp shirt I have on without grimacing and thinking of a .264 batting average, and my taco salad dinner was delivered to me without a crispy tortilla shell, I'm in surprisingly good spirits. All thanks to New Jersey- went out yesterday for a pig roast/graduation party/beer pong extravaganza and ended up staying all day today to chill by a pool and soak up some of the sun's sweet sweet rays. Sometimes it's good to get out of the city.

At one point, floating on a raft in the middle of the pool, frosty beverage in hand, I turned to Kathleen and said, "Is it just me, or do you feel like you're in a Corona commercial?" She turned to me from her raft, gave me a look like I was crazy and promptly reminded me that we were in fact in the armpit of the nation. Maybe armpits aren't so bad... raise your hand if you're Sure.

Trifecta

2006-07-14T14:26:00.000-04:00

Well three posts in one day... what do you have to say about that Doug, Jim, Alex and Tad? Hmmm? I can't hear you. Oh wait, that's because you're not saying anything. OWNED! This spitefulness is getting a little old for me - it's just not in my spirit. I promise it won't last too much longer.

Anyways, my blog makes all the pretty girls want to dance, but I can't hold a candle or even a flashlight to the folks over at The Dugout. These guys are on to something really special. I'd try to describe the site to you but it wouldn't do it justice. If you like baseball, you'll like it. If you like funny, you'll love it. If you like both, then you better clean your underwear. It'll give you a brand new appreciation for Kyle Farnsworth, Dontrelle Willis and Dmitri Young. Fa real.

But you ain't got no legs Lieutenant Dan.

2006-07-14T13:39:00.000-04:00

No folks, that handsome devil is not Robert Gordon Soffel. It's actually Gary Sinise, whom I almost steamrolled yesterday, walking through the streets of Soho with my head down, focusing on a text message. He was just chillin by himself looking very non-descript, wearing a baseball cap and a t-shirt. In fact, I never would have even known it was him if EJ hadn't pointed it out to me. He was probably on his way to film an episode of CSI: NY or something.

This brings me to my first question- wouldn't you expect Gary to have a posse of some sorts? No? I would. As a matter of fiction, I heard Entourage was based on the life and times of Mr. Sinise. Well if you're reading this Gary, you're in dire need of a posse so that people know you're a celeb and they can mob you in the streets. And not nearly steamroll you as a result of a stray text message. Also, I'll be in your posse if you buy me a Ducati.

It should be so... and it WILL be so

2006-07-14T12:20:00.000-04:00

Live from New York it's Friday afternoon. Welcome to the inaugural post of my smear campaign on Alex Popkin, Doug Warner, Tad Moses and Jim Dudley... but mostly Alex Popkin. Their blatant disregard for the readership of their blog (which I won't even link to because I don't want to generate traffic for them) has lit a fire under my buns and led me to create this little doozy that you're currently casting your gaze upon. Also, I felt kinda left out being one of the only people at work and on the sales team without a blog.

Anyways, those four gents have been so irresponsible with their blog, which is actually really funny when they get around to posting whenever the mood strikes them and the moon turns blue, that it's made me want to stab myself in the eyes with a stick of cinnamon chewing gum. So here it is folks... the DIShonest Male perspective. You may think the title is a blatant ripoff of their site, but I prefer to think of it as a spoof. You say potato, I say po-tah-to.... you know that old children's tale from the sea.

So, as this starts out as a smear campaign against the OTHER blog... to be honest, I probably don't have the conviction or the stamina to keep it up for very long. In subsequent posts, I'll probably move along to other topics, hopefully hilarious, hopefully entertaining but always straight from the bottom of my heart- and maybe someday those four guys will be lucky enough to grace these pages with a guest posting.... but I'll need to see a writing sample first.