Excuse me, where are your venti condoms?

So this has been brewing (pardon the pun) in my head for a week or so, and maybe it's the crack-laced coffee that's coursing through my veins doing the talking right now, but is it just me or is Starbucks' strict size lexicon a little ridiculous?

I've had a few funny conversations with my co-workers about it during daily treks across the street to Starbucks. While I don't support Starbucks' overpopulation and near-monopolization of the coffee market or their tendancy to charge roughly 5 bucks for a line of non-alcoholic beverages, I can't say enough about what a VENTI Starbucks iced coffee will do for your mood and your productivity. It honestly makes me feel like there's a Scott mascot following me around and a crowd of people chanting my name. Needless to say, I visit their establishment about twice a day and spend approximately half of my paycheck on coffee these days... I digress.

If you've ever been into a Starbucks and tried to order a standard size, i.e. a large, you know what I'm talking about. The cashier will shoot you a blank stare, pause for a second and then say... "You mean a venti?!?". They absolutely insist that you use their Starbucks-exclusive language and damn-near kick you out if you even think about calling that in-between-sized coffee a "medium". They flat out refuse to punch your order into the register until you utter the words tall (small), grande (medium), or venti (large).

So I got to thinking- what if we carried this vernacular into other everyday situations?

• "Umm that sounds like a good plan, but there's just one tall problem."
• "Wow, that girl has some incredibly venti sweater puppets!"
• "After I lost 15 lbs. on the Subway diet, I dropped a shirt size and now I'm a grande."
• "Sebastian Telfair's a very talented NBA player, but some scouts say he's just to tall for the NBA."
• "I think you're making a venti mistake"
• "Man this beach is great, we are LIVING VENTI!"

Complete and utter chaos! You may be the respective king of your industry Starbucks, but you can't just march into America and change the english language! F*ck you. Just give me your addictive coffee and enjoy a nice venti glass of shut the hell up.